upon retiring
from the mafia,
Don Corleone
wove aquatic mammals
out of raffia
i learnt this news
when he made me an otter
i couldn’t refuse
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Crimeweave
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Haiku #87781
Tourists wait in lines
to enter Machu Picchu,
forming a high queue.
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↧
The White House
They’re redecorating the White House
in washed-out tones of white,
Moon Shimmer and Frosted Dawn,
Rock Salt and Morning Light.
Bleached Lichen in the kitchen.
The bedrooms – White Mist’s the plan.
The Oval Office is Absolute White.
All painted by the Du Lux Klan.
↧
CTRL ALT-RIGHT DEL
The world lurches, a violent SHIFT
the RETURN of Nazis to our streets.
But do not let it get you ⬇,
press CTRL ALT → DEL.
Fascism should serve no Fn.
It’s an ugly BACKSPACE into history.
We must be > the hatred,
to ESC we have the key.
Keep ⇄ upon intolerance.
Send racism into retreat.
To END hate, we need to INSERT love
and press CTRL ALT → DEL.
↧
Out of the Rain
We ran down the high street and into the pub,
as we cheated the rain that fell from above,
dodging the puddles that had formed on the floor.
Such a beautiful day for a nuclear war.
You draped your wet coat on the back of your chair,
We emptied our drinks. The rain dripped from your hair.
A Guinness. A whiskey. Then I went back for more.
What a beautiful day for a nuclear war.
We talked. Pop songs. First pets. Favourite film stars.
We flicked pistachio shells into a jar.
You tried not to yawn. You must have thought me a bore.
It was a beautiful day for a nuclear war.
The days have changed now but I keep that one apart.
I carry it with me, tattooed on my heart.
The Guinness. Your wet hair. The dress that that you wore.
Such a beautiful day for a nuclear war.
↧
↧
Pop Quiz
↧
A Brief History of the #
#barcamp #hashtag #FF #best
#wordgame #punfun #trulyblessed
#dingdong #romcom# #HaveYourSay
#pingpong #nomnom #EdBallsDay
#haiku #selfie #squadgoals #hope
#OneDirection #favouritesoap
#BlackLivesMatter #ReachOut #JoinIn
#Sponsored #Starbucks #BurgerKing
#JeSuisCharlie #LoveNotHate
#Strictly #Cecil #Oink #PigGate
#Bowie #UKIP #FoodbankQueues
#Brexit #AltRight #Trump #FakeNews
#Putin #Brexit #NorthKorea
#Trump #Covfefe #GrowingFear
#GBBOonChannel4
#Trump #RedButton #ThirdWorldWar
#Pyongyang #Seoul #NewYork #Berlin
#Brexit #Beirut #Beijing #Turin
#FallOut #Famine #DeathCount #Violence
#JeSuisEarth #JeSuisSilence
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What To Do in the Event of a Gun Attack
They are hiding under desks again
The school bell rings, the bullets rain
So say a prayer
And offer your condolences.
They are living out the lockdown drill
They are breathing in and keeping still
So send a tweet
And say a prayer
And offer your condolences.
They are lying in the corridors
In the classrooms, gym, and old school hall
So play a round of golf
And send a tweet
And say a prayer
And offer your condolences.
They are laying down the flowers again
Next month they will do the same
So just do fuck all
And play a round of golf
And send a tweet
And say a prayer
And offer your condolences.
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snow poem
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Gremlin
A gremlin’s meddling in state affairs.
He lives beneath the White House stairs
in a cupboard stocked with fake tan jars
and shelves of tarnished samovars.
He creeps out at the witching hour
to sabotage the wheels of power
and make them turn the way he chooses.
And how his puppetry amuses!
The Gremlin’s own Petrushka doll,
a clown hand-carved to play this role.
A wooden, empty-headed thing!
See him dance as he pulls the strings.
↧
Mark Zuckerberg Wants To Be My Friend on Facebook
But enough about me, he said. What about you?
Tell me about the things you like to do,
your loves and passions, where you’re from,
your friends and family, the high school prom.
The books you’ve read, the songs you play,
how many steps you’ve walked today.
Your favourite team, the links you click,
and why not show me all your pics
and every message you’ve ever sent,
your phone contacts, and each event
you’ve attended – parties, gigs, street protests.
Oh, and every opinion that you’ve expressed.
I’ll share, too. Then serve it back to you:
it helps to optimise the ad click-thru’s.
Whole lives reduced to data sets,
algorithmic, summed up, expressed;
calculations based on hopes and fears
to influence what then appears
and manipulate the world that’s seen,
a rough harvesting of humanity.
↧
ee cummings attempts online banking
Now enter a password.
i carry your heart with me
Password too long. Please try again.
i carry your ear with me
Spaces are not allowed. Please try again.
icarryyourearwithme
Passwords need to contain at least one uppercase letter. Please try again.
No activity has been detected for three minutes. Please try again.
This page is about to expire. Please enter your new password.
ICarryYourEarWithMe
Passwords must contain at least one digit. Please try again.
1CarryY0urEarWithMe
Passwords must contain at least one special character. Please try again.
1CarryY0ur
WithMe
Emojis are not supported on this platform at this time. Please enter a new password.
No activity has been detected for three minutes. Please try again.
This page is about to expire. Please enter a new password.
AbCd1234&!%
↧
Castaways
A bottle with a message
floated in upon the tide.
The sea is blue and so am I,
said the note inside.
Next day on the beach,
a plastic bag washed up.
Inside, another letter:
Come rescue me. I’m stuck.
In the kelp, a cry for help:
drowning in Styrofoam,
written on a coffee cup,
beneath Latte 4 Jerome.
The day after, thin tubes
were spread along the shore,
spelling out the words:
T H E F I N A L S T R A W.
Two weeks on, the beach was plastic.
Itself, an unanswered message:
castaways washed up on the sand,
and out to sea, the wreckage.
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Pet Peeve
Keeping
a chameleon
for a pet
is something
that I now
regret.
At first,
as far as
I could tell,
he seemed
to blend in
very well,
but he’s
changed a lot
in many ways
I’ve not
seen him now
for fourteen days.
↧
Updates to my Privacy Policy
I am updating my Privacy Policy
as part of my ongoing commitment
to not being found,
using simple-to-understand language,
such as please go away
and just leave me alone.
I will not share myself with third parties,
dinner parties or fancy dress parties.
For offers of free biscuits,
please consult my Cookie Policy.
My privacy is important to me
as is this duvet.
You are receiving this poem
because you have expressed an interest
in receiving this poem.
You can unsubscribe from this poem
at any time, by clicking here.
↧
She’s Opted Out of Me
She’s unsubscribed from all my lists.
She tells me I will not be missed.
She’d only joined when she was pissed.
She’s opted out of me.
She’s updated all her preferences.
She’s removed me from her references.
She can’t see what my relevance is.
She’s opted out of me.
She says that she is sick of me.
She claims she wants some privacy.
I’ve opted into misery
Now she’s opted out of me.
↧
The Unsound Alphabet
The question ‘Can you spell that for me, please?’
when I am on the phone and ill at ease
is enough to fill my heart with dread
because the words that pop into my head
come randomly, unplanned, frenetic:
my examples panicked, unphonetic.
I should take time to think. Just wait a while.
But no, ‘A,’ I will blurt, ‘as in … “aisle”.’
“Bdellium” I declare to illustrate B
(bravo for knowing that’s gum from a tree).
No Charlie for me, rather “Czar” I will cry.
My D is “Djibouti”. My E is an “eye”.
At least with F, I cannot go wrong
although “floccinaucinihilipilification” is probably too long.
It’s like aural GBH. “Gnat” and “honour” don’t work.
My choice for I must be starting to “irk”.
For reasons unclear, my J is a “Juan”.
Of all the Ks I could choose, “knee” is the one.
For L, a place-name! But not Lima, oh no:
“Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch.”
‘That’s right, M,’ I blather, ‘as in “mnemonic”.’
People generally “ngwee”, my N is moronic.
“Ouija” I offer. No Oscar for me.
For P, “pterodactyl”, for Q I use “quay”.
Which is the right “right” to write? It’s a farce!
They must think I’m talking out of my Rs.
I declare ‘S as in “sea”.’ I can’t take it back,
like T for “Tchaikovsky”, a tough nut to crack.
Then there’s “urn” and “volk”, I know it’s far-fetched.
My W attempt makes me feel such a “wretch”.
I talk of “Xylophones”, “Yttrium” and old “Zaragoza”.
All hopeless, unsound. I just shouldn’t bother.
↧
↧
Fixtures
Don’t get me wrong, I’d love nothing more
than to commune with Mother Nature.
But what can I do? It’s out of my hands:
Nigeria are playing Croatia.
What’s that? Another meal on your own?
You’re quite right, there is nothing bleaker.
But this is the big one. I’ve waited all day.
Switzerland – Costa Rica.
Sorry I shall miss your mum’s funeral
but I should be there in time for the wake.
Do understand, it’s Morocco – Iran
and for both teams there’s so much at stake.
I see that you’ve filed for divorce.
I’ll sign the papers as soon as I can,
just ten minutes more (plus time added on)
of Colombia versus Japan.
↧
Number Five Forty-Three
There’s a hole in my life where you really should be
Because I’m stuck on you but you’re not stuck on me.
Until I possess you, I shall never be free,
Panini sticker number five forty-three.
I don’t care for your Neymar or Lionel Messi.
You can shove your Ronaldo – of him, I’ve got three.
It’s not about quality but quantity for me,
and I have zero of Gabriel Gomez, you see.
And now my money’s all gone, unfortunately.
The bailiffs are here and my family’s left me.
But it was worth every penny, I’m sure you’ll agree
For Gabriel Gomez, number five forty-three.
↧
Shameless Promotional Message
My bank manager has told me that I need to promote my book some more now that I’ve given up my proper job – or I’ll soon find myself on the breadline.
So, here’s a photo of it. It can be found in shops, some of which are mentioned in the link below:
Click here to find some of the places where you can buy my book
It publishes in paperback in the US tomorrow.
Thanks very much,
Brian
*End of shameless promotional message*
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